When Hubby is Annoyed You Don't Want 50:50 Marriage

I got asked this question

“I followed your advice on how to communicate to my husband that I no longer want 50/50, guy got annoyed & told me that I have decided to go hard on him.Now currently in silence for 2 weeks.What next do I do?How can I get him to talk with me again?Telling him that I want to use my money for my own goals & dreams & just feel taken care of pissed him off, he went silent on me.”

Okay, so it's Friday, it's warm outside. And yeah, I want to talk about when your hubby is angry that you don't want 50-50.

Okay, so you've been listening and you finally decided you want to communicate to your hubby that you no longer want 50-50.

And you want to use your money for your own goals and dreams and you want to feel taken care of as a woman.

I mean, don't we all want that?

But what you have been met with is he's pissed off and he's not talked to you for two weeks because he is angry with you and with this request.

So you know what?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVgCQWxcpcE

The issue isn't that you've gone hard on him, okay?

It's that you telling him you want to feel taken care of has exposed the real issue in your marriage that it's emotionally disconnected.

That's why he's behaving like he doesn't see you like you're the kind of woman who needs to be taken care of because you have trained him this way, okay?

And I'm sure this is not the first time you've expressed a certain need and he has reacted in this way.

What does this remind you of?

A spoiled rotten child, yeah?

Because picture a kid, you've given your kid candy, now you've taken it away from his mouth. That's why he's behaving this way.

And babe, this is a sign of a bad emotionally disconnected marriage that it has a toxic pattern, okay?

It's not normal for you to express a need like you do not want 50-50. And he shuts down.

Please note, he's not even asked you why, he's not even shown any interest in what are your goals and needs.

The immediate reaction of, he's gone.

And like I said, this is a toxic pattern because I know your immediate reaction is, okay, you've waited for two weeks, you want to run and you want to fix the problem.

When I Told My Hubby I Didn't Want 50-50

When I told my hubby that I want to be fully provided for and I didn't want 50-50, this was like eight or so years ago.

And of course, he was surprised, like what the hell?

Because remember, when you are shifting a marriage from 50-50 to being fully provided for, you're changing the energetic dynamic of the marriage.

What you're saying is, you do not want to keep building him.

And that means you have to step into a different identity, a different version of yourself.

And I always say, we are all allowed to change our minds.

When I said I do to me, didn't really matter that I was providing 50-50. I didn't know better and money to me was not really an issue.

But with time, I realised I boxed myself in a situation such that if I didn't want to get, if I wanted to take a career break, I couldn't, I started to feel resentful.

And probably what is also happening with this two week break, it's really just exposed the issues in your marriage.

Because even in a marriage that is healthy, and this is something I have learned.

You can be able to tell your hubby, you want a 10,000 acre ranch.

And he will listen.

It does not mean he will say yes, but at least you are able to feel free.

There is that emotional safety to express your needs.

Regardless of whether he decides to do it or not do it or whatever, but there is that option.

But in a toxic marriage, a bad toxic marriage, you limit yourself.

It's like you cannot speak.

And this is how you've trained this man based on how you've always responded to him.

So What Do You Need to Do?

So what do you need to do?

First of all, realise you have trained him because many of us are used to avoiding conflict.

It's very uncomfortable having to wait for two weeks and be in a silent treatment kind of an environment.

As women, we've been trained to avoid conflict.

We have been trained to abandon ourselves.

That's why it feels uncomfortable.Change is uncomfortable.

And please bear in mind, he doesn't have to say yes.

But the idea is, it is supposed to open up a conversation about what is it that's really going on.

And when the marriage lacks emotional connection, it's not a healthy space.

Of course, you cannot express your needs.

So one, what do you need to do to come out of here?

You need to learn, first of all, know that you are allowed to change your mind at any given point in time, because marriages change.

People change.

What you needed when you said, I do 10, 15 years ago, is not, you're not the same person, okay?

And even he is allowed to change his mind, okay?

But the fact that there is silent treatment for two weeks, it means that this is an unhealthy dynamic.

So first of all, know that its normal to change your mind.

We are all supposed to grow.

We are all supposed to evolve.

Conflict Is Normal

Number two, know that when it comes to conflict, it's normal to have conflict.

Of course, for as long as there's no harm being caused, but if he's reacting this way, chances are there are many other needs of yours that you have been expressing.

And he has been using this tactic.

It's a power struggle tactic.

It's a power tactic, actually, of pulling away so that you start to chase him, yeah?

You chase him, and then, of course, he's not gonna do what you want because you've already abandoned your needs.

Because underneath all this worry, all this anxiety that you're feeling is the real deep fear of you might lose your man.

What Are You Really Feeling?

And this brings me to my point number three.

One of the biggest issues of women in marriages is I'm noticing you don't feel.

You don't have time to feel your feelings.

It also took me a long time to really feel what I'm feeling.

And you may be wondering, Linda, what does feeling have to do with anything?

Because the difference between you and a coworker your hubby has is the emotional connection.

And there can only be an emotional connection with a man and with you when you're able to express yourself, not from what you think, but from what you feel.

So this is the third thing I want you to really ask yourself because this space he's given you is uncomfortable, but he's also mirroring something back to you.

He's also mirroring to you the fact that maybe you do not feel worthy of whatever it is you're asking for.

If your biggest issue is I'm scared I'm going to lose him rather than this is my needs and wants.

So I want you to really feel, and this might be difficult, and that's why it's really important to work with a coach or a mentor to help you start to connect to their true honest feelings so that you can be able to express yourself.

This is how healthy relationships work because so many women, especially career driven women, you're so used to being in your mind.

And this mind to mind connection is the reason you think you're connecting with him, but you're just talking things.

It's like you're just another best friend over there.

That's why you're talking so many things, but he's not accessing your heart.

So there's no romantic connection.

That's why even if you're telling him, okay, I want to be taken care of, he's probably like, I don't feel romance with you.

I don't feel the emotional connection with you.

Why Is This Important?

Men provide, protect, and take care of women who they feel they can't live without and they feel a romantic connection.

And there are steps to this.

And the first step is I want you to really ask yourself, what am I really feeling?

Yes, you may want with this because you've expressed something.

Clearly it's important to you and he's pulled away for two weeks.

What is it you're feeling?Are you sad?Are you mad?Are you angry?

Some women don't even allow themselves to feel the anger.

That's why you want to run and chase him and close the gap so that you don't feel all these feelings.

What ends up happening is you end up becoming resentful.

And of course, there's no way this man is gonna be around you for even for a long time.

We all know how such marriages end up anyway.

They end up in divorce, people have affairs.

You can't have a proper healthy marriage when you're filled with resentment.

So that's the third thing.

Feel whatever it is that you're feeling.

He Will Come to You

And I know you're concerned that he's taking too long. The silent treatment is taking too long.

He will come to you.

The reason why he's pulled away is because you are changing the dynamic of the marriage.

He's used to you building with him.

He is used to you being the builder.

So what you're doing is you're taking away that building and that means he needs to be a man.

That dynamic feels different but it does not warrant the two week silent treatment.

So when he comes back to you and he will come to you because you're his woman, he loves you, you're his wife, he will want to get intimate.

I want you to get really honest.

What is it you're feeling?

And express it to him.

I feel scared I'm going to lose you because my needs seem to be too demanding.

What do you think?

Let him tell you.

The Art of Feminine Negotiation

At the root of this all, you need to realise women who get their needs met, and this is how the art of feminine negotiation works.

You have to be really so secure as a woman.

You really need to know, love yourself, trust yourself and be really secure.

Because if you're with a man who makes it unsafe for you to even express your needs, if you're telling him you want to be well taken care of, if he's not even interested in what your goals and dreams are, what are you doing in this marriage?

What kind of a marriage are you really in?

Because it's not healthy to be scared of expressing your needs.

So Follow These Three Steps

So follow those three steps.

1. One, he will come to you at his time.

2. Two, in the moment, get really honest.

3. What is it that you're feeling?

4. Not what he is doing, not that, oh, you went away or where have you been?

5. No, I want you to start connecting to your feminine self.

What are you feeling?

And the third thing, tell it to him.

And really the most important question I want to ask you is, if you're scared you will lose a man because you're expressing your needs, what kind of a marriage are you in?

That really is the real question.

Okay, so if you have any questions and comments, or if you want to book up a consultation with me, check the details down in the description below.

In the description box.

Bye for now.