6 Unusual Things We Did During Separation That Helped Us Start Our Marriage Over in Our 40

Most people assume separation is the beginning of the end.

For us, it became the beginning of a completely different marriage.

If you've been following me for a while, you know I turned around my own conflict-ridden, separated marriage into the thriving marriage we have today. Looking back, there are six things we did during that season that gave us the best chance of finding each other again.

What's interesting is that most of these are things you can begin doing even if you're simply going through a rough patch—not necessarily separated.

1. We Didn't Date Other People

When we separated four years ago, I was turning 40.

By then, I had enough wisdom to understand that lessons are repeated until they're learned.

I didn't want to start dating someone else because what would have been the point?

If I wasn't willing to learn what had brought me to that place, I would likely recreate the same patterns in another relationship.

If I had decided to move on immediately,

I might as well have gotten divorced instead of staying separated.

Interestingly, my husband also chose not to date anyone.

We never sat down and agreed that neither of us would date. I simply made that decision for myself. Later, he told me he wasn't looking for another wife, so there was no point dating.

That experience taught me something I'll never forget:

You don't receive the treatment you want—you receive the treatment your standards and your self-respect communicate.

How you carry yourself matters.

2. He Continued Providing for Me

One of the most unusual parts of our separation was that my husband continued to fully provide for me.

Even though we were arguing constantly and going through an incredibly painful season—much of it centred around money—he never withdrew his provision.

Combined with the fact that he wasn't dating, it signaled something important to me.

His actions told me his intentions hadn't completely changed.

That softened my heart.

It didn't fix everything overnight, but it allowed me to remain open instead of becoming completely closed off.

3. We Kept Our Family Rituals

One thing I now encourage many of my private clients to do is create family rituals.

Every family should have traditions that belong to them—not their parents or in-laws, but their own household.

Although we had a co-parenting schedule because I initiated the separation, we continued communicating every day about our son, school, pickups, and the practical parts of parenting.

We also maintained our weekend family traditions.

Whether it was church, brunch, or family walks, we kept spending time together as a family.

In fact, that was one of the first things my husband requested when I told him I was leaving.

He said:

Looking back, I realise those ordinary moments quietly preserved our connection.

Those daily conversations and shared family experiences prevented us from becoming complete strangers.

4. We Didn't Involve Our Parents

Neither of us ran to our parents. I never went to his parents.

My own father didn't even know until around the fifth or sixth month because my mother was critically ill at the time, and eventually she passed away. My family was already carrying enormous emotional weight.

I didn't want to add another burden. There was another reason too.

The kind of marriage I wanted wasn't something I saw around me.

I didn't want to settle for less.But I also didn't want to divorce.

I realised I needed expert guidance from someone who understood what a healthy, thriving relationship actually looked like.

When my husband first initiated reconciliation during the first week of our separation, I wasn't ready.

I was terrified.

Instead of ignoring him or rushing back too soon, I simply told him:

Then I gave him an actual timeline.That timeline gave both of us clarity.

One of the biggest mistakes I now see is couples remaining separated for years without making a decision.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

If I knew then what I know now, I believe three months is enough for most people to gain clarity.

Six months is already pushing it.

Anything longer becomes dangerous because life continues moving.

5. We Both Did Our Own Inner Work Separately

This completely changed everything.

During separation, I kept asking myself one question:

Even if I married a wealthier, older man, what would I personally do differently so I don't end up here again?

I didn't have an answer.

That's when I realised I had to take responsibility for my part. I worked with a coach.

I learned healthier ways of relating to men.I uncovered dysfunctional relationship patterns.

I removed many of the emotional blocks I had around men.I learned how to become a woman who could receive love, be adored, and be pampered.

Interestingly, my husband also began his own personal growth journey.

One mistake I often see wives make is trying to manage their husband's growth.

That isn't your job.

How another adult chooses to grow is their responsibility.

Your responsibility is becoming the healthiest version of yourself.

When you do the work, something remarkable happens.

You stop judging , communicate differently.

Your energy changes.

The same arguments stop repeating themselves because you have become different.

My coach often reminds me:

That mindset changed my life.

As career women, we're comfortable talking about having a growth mindset at work.

Why not apply that same thinking to marriage?

I've seen clients become more peaceful at home and suddenly begin thriving professionally because they're no longer carrying emotional chaos into every area of life.

I don't believe women have to choose between a successful career and a happy marriage.

I believe we're meant to have both.

6. We Started Making Agreements

This may be the most important thing we still practise today.

Many people ask me about the agreements my husband and I make.

I rarely teach this first because most couples rush straight into communication before becoming emotionally healthy enough to have productive conversations.

You cannot solve a problem from the same level of thinking that created it.

First, your beliefs, habits, behaviours, and emotional patterns need to change.

Only then can agreements truly work.

When I first learned this concept, my corporate background immediately made sense of it.

Every quarter we had reviews.

Weekly check-ins.Mid-year reviews.End-of-year evaluations.

The purpose wasn't punishment.

It was course correction.Marriage deserves the same intentionality.

Today, we regularly check in with each other.

We talk about our needs.Our wants.The things that are working.The things that aren't.

The things that irritate us.The things that help us feel loved.

Together we create simple agreements about how we want to show up for each other.

But here's the key:

Agreements only work when you're emotionally connected.

Otherwise, they become another tool for control, criticism, or keeping score.

When you're connected, agreements become acts of partnership instead of power struggles.

My Biggest Advice If You're Currently Separated

If you're separated right now, here's the one thing I want to leave you with:

Give yourself a three-month timeline.

Mark your calendar.

Use that time intentionally.

Do your healing.

Figure out what your next step is.

Don't remain in limbo indefinitely.

Sometimes separation isn't the end of a marriage.

Sometimes it's the beginning of a healthier one.

Mine certainly was.

Listen to How I Restored Intimacy & Connection Next